


A Light Nap, Not Much Sleep

by AlterImpulse



Category: Xenogears
Genre: Amnesia, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Porn, Aww, Bed Sex, Bonding, Canon Compliant, Citan and Yui are in an open polyamorous relationship, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gay Sex, Healing Sex, Kissing, M/M, Massage, Mental Health Issues, Multiple Orgasms, Multiple Sex Positions, Neck Kissing, No Healing Cock, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Pillow Fights, Recovery, Set in canon, Shameless Smut, Sharing a Bed, Spoilers, THERE WAS ONLY ONE BED, brief mention of anal sex prep, fantasy DID, fei and citan are dorks but they love each other lmao, sex to reclaim one's body, technical first time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-02 15:29:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17266745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlterImpulse/pseuds/AlterImpulse
Summary: Angst, plot, feels, and some Citan/Fei smut. Set in that scene where they share Rico's bed for "a light nap," and Fei wants to reclaim his body and sex for himself, with Citan, while they have some time alone.TW/CW: implied references to past child abuse, references to dissociation, and written third person but focused on Fei.Also note that this is NOT Citan cheating on Yui. In my view as an author and in the narrative of my Citan/Fei and Citan/anyone else stories, he and Yui have an open polyamorous relationship, and she knows of his romantic and sexual interest in men/his bisexuality.





	A Light Nap, Not Much Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very heavy story, and while I really felt I needed to do this particular more in-depth take on the scene in the game I see as Citan and Fei doing it (with tongue firmly in cheek - pretty sure that's just my wearing my slash goggles and was never intended by the writers to be seen in this way), I do understand that it may not appeal to some readers, and I apologize in advance for writing mostly Fei POV because, as far as I know, I do not share his mental condition which I am depicting, nor do I know if I have ever been sexually abused. I have provided resources including some I used for research at the end of this story, but consider yourself warned - this *is* a story of a very traumatized person with (horribly written in canon, which I am trying to fix) dissociative identity disorder from intense child abuse in a canon world of no therapists of valid help, wanting to have a sexual experience he remembers with someone he loves and reclaim his body somewhat through that. 
> 
> (And as it is obvious from the point in canon this is set, it's only a few little steps for Fei... magic healing cock, this story is NOT. In fact I am incredibly annoyed at canon being "magic healing Elly pussy" in effect for Fei, very much so (because that's an insult to women, to DID sufferers, and to... well everything!), so YEAH. No.) 
> 
> It may be offensive to you, and again I apologize in advance. If the idea does not appeal to you, please do not read!

“A...light nap?” Fei couldn’t help but to laugh at the shyness, the almost blush with that suggestion. Nonetheless, he  _ wanted _ what was on offer, he had wanted it from the first time they had shared a bath, the first time they had laid in each other’s embrace to sleep, every time their kisses and touches almost got there, their breath coming fast and bodies hard and needy, but they both backed down, afraid, afraid of  _ something.  _

Nonetheless, he felt his body reacting to those words alone and what they meant, just as it reacted to Citan’s lips on his own. He reached out for him in an embrace. “I’m ready,” he quietly said. “Are you sure about this, about  _ me _ ? Is Yui-“

“She is quite aware of my feelings toward you.” Citan smiled at that, a warm smile that appeared genuine. “She understands.”

Fei nodded at that, and reached for the sashes of the kimono with a passionate kiss. “Then...I trust you.” He whispered. “I know I’m safe with you.”

Citan let his hands rest on Fei’s armor belt and hips. “Before we do this, there is something I must tell you about yourself and about myself. Please listen, though it may be difficult. If you feel strange at hearing it, tell me.”

Fei suddenly felt nervous, his fingers trembling on the sash. To think of it frightened him - that he had  _ no _ memory of his life before these last three years. But… he felt he had to know, if Citan somehow knew something he didn’t, a secret someone who seemed to have so many kept. “What is it, Doc?”

“If we are to be lovers, please do call me Citan. Or honey, that is what Yui goes with.” He seemed nervous himself, and moved his hands off the armor for a moment. “Fei, someone once violated you when you were a very young boy. I have held this to myself, in fear of what you might feel, what you might  _ do _ , if you were to know, but that is a part of the memories that you lost. I do not wish to do the same, so if you feel uncomfortable or upset or as if you are drifting… tell me to stop. As you have, when we kiss and it becomes overwhelming to either of us.”

Fei blinked at that, and studied the man before him for a moment. The words seemed true enough, from the look of sorrow, and it felt as if it were a piece in the puzzle that was his past. “Thank you… for telling me.” The words, the thoughts, they were there, an image that flashed through his mind of lying on a table with a woman looming above his body. Pain,  _ that  _ thing screaming in him, that made him always begin to cry and back down, or pass out once his body truly began to respond.

Right now, they seemed off in another place, one that was  _ not _ him and this man for whom he had developed these feelings, this mutual adoration he recognized, alone, together. “But I still need this. Still want you.” Fei breathed against his lips with another kiss. “I want a good first time. One I  _ will _ remember.”

“Then we shall have that.” Citan kissed him, his hand gently resting on his face as he gazed into his eyes. “I hope you do not mind my being on top. I… have my own past and my own fears. I cannot disclose it at this time, or why, but I must be in control of the experience. If I am not, it is no longer enjoyable for me, but terrifying with what could possibly happen. If I say stop, you  _ stop _ . If you feel like you are dreaming,  _ stop.  _ And there are things about myself. I…I am not what I seem, I am from Sol-“

“Hush.” Fei whispered against his ear, as they embraced, and he undid the buttons on the shirt to reveal strong, muscular arms and chest, and a soft belly with just a little soft hair that seemed almost like down. “I… don’t need to know. And I have enjoyed what you have done for me so far, and…so our word is stop.”

“It is.” Another kiss, then Fei found himself looking into those eyes again. They had been the first thing he had noticed, and they seemed to carry an odd feeling of curiosity and kindness, yet something behind that, something he couldn’t recognize, a coldness, a calculation that only seemed to truly show in battle or when he spoke of war or what they needed to do next. “I know you wouldn’t hurt me on purpose.”

“I promise. Never. Not you.” Something did seem hidden behind those last words, but Fei dismissed it, as he let Citan take off his armor plate and push his pants off of his hips, and as he did the same, untying Citan’s linen belt and slipping those baggy white pants down.

“You… you’re beautiful,” Fei whispered, as he stared once again at the naked body he had seen quite a few times by now, but...somehow that always struck him with its strength, always intrigued him with that odd brand tattoo on his upper arm, and as he looked down, that he seemed both larger and... _ different. _

“If only I was,” Citan said, with a sad smile forming on his lips. “But you...you are perfect.”

Fei couldn’t help but to smile at that, with a slight blush, as he kissed him again. ”Thanks,” he said, and looked down at himself. “I… a lot of times I don’t even feel real.”

“But you are. And this is.” Another kiss. “Fei… I love you. I… ever since we began this journey together…”

“I love you,” Fei whispered back. “I noticed something about you, ever since we first met in Lahan… that you were special. And… I realized it was… that I loved you. Regardless of what I may or may not remember of myself…”

“Right now, this is all that matters.” Citan held onto him, while they walked into the small bath in Rico’s bedroom. “Fei… there is something you need to do before we…”

“Oh.” Fei laughed, and played with his hair out of a slight nervousness. “What?”

“I will need to, ahem, prepare your body for this.” Fei could barely hold back a laugh again. Citan seemed nervous himself, as if he worried he had chosen the wrong words or was about to do so. “I am assuming prison food has not been kind to you in regard to…”

Fei snorted at that, and tried to hold the worry about what _exactly_ this involved at bay. “You’d be right. And _what_ do you plan to do to help that?”

“This.” Citan reached into the vanity drawer, and pulled out what looked like a hot water bottle. “It may be slightly difficult. If it is too much for you at any moment, tell me.” He filled it from the sink, then held out the plastic piece at the end. “Fei, you should probably, ahem, insert it yourself. I am afraid if I do… it might alarm you too much.”

“So that… goes in there?” Fei blinked, and reached for it. “And that will, uh, make me…”

“To be blunt, like you never have before, once it works.” A nervous laugh. “I have… seen things with this, doing it in a medical capacity. Things I wish I could erase from my memory. Hopefully that did not frighten you.”

It did, somewhat, but Fei tried anyway - twice, before giving up. “It’s not gonna go in-“

“Can you trust me? I do have said experience.”

“I guess?” Fei said, and while it definitely didn’t feel  _ good,  _ it didn’t hurt as much as he had feared, and that Citan was both so caring and so matter of fact about it, made it tolerable enough of an experience, though not what he could describe as enjoyable.

Finally, he walked back into the bedroom from the bath, and saw Citan sitting on the edge of the bed, his kimono back on loosely over his naked body beneath. “It was slightly chilly in here,” he said as he stood. ”Fei…are you fully prepared? There is no going back now…”

“Once we do this,” Fei finished for him, and grabbed both of his hands in his own. “I know. That… this is going to be much more intense than just kissing, or even when we almost touched each other to get there but I passed out and we had to stop…”

“Yes. This… means we are lovers, at least to me. Some do not have such deep feelings attached to the act, as you have likely seen in here, but…”

“I want that.” Fei said, and lay down on the bed awaiting him. “I don’t know what will happen even four hours from now, when we try to get out of this place. I feel like Elly needs me too. But… you and Yui? So…”

“I wish you could only be mine.” Fei was stunned at the plaintive vulnerability of those words, something Citan had  _ never _ shown before that moment. “But… I understand. Possibly too well. But for now, please…” and with that, he shrugged off the kimono once more.

Fei closed his eyes, if only that that position of looking up and seeing him made him feel too afraid, something in the back of his mind screamed. He turned over, to lie face down, and strangely enough felt better from that - that he could focus on the sensations of this body, on his breathing, on Citan’s hands on his back.

“You like it this way as well? It is my favorite, even if it is slightly ordinary. It is how my first lover and I did it,” Citan said, as he kissed the back of Fei’s neck. “I laid like this, and he gave me the best back massage first. Would you like that from me?”

“Yes!” Fei leaned into his hands. “I love it when you do that. I’d like to start with that.” He sighed in pleasure as the tension in his back he hadn’t even noticed until then faded away, as he felt those strong hands press deeply into his muscles. Yet he also felt the need, the desire return, as he unconsciously rocked his hips against the pillows beneath him. “Oh, it’s…”

“Fei… what do you like it being called when you…”

“I… ahh.” He drew in a deep breath as Citan‘s hands grasped his butt. To ask such a question at a time like this? But then… he had never really thought of it. Nor could he remember, if he thought about it - usually he would get hard, but then pass out or fall asleep, and would awaken somewhere with no memory of the experience. “Never thought about it.”

“Then we will find the words. If we need them at all.” Citan licked at his earlobe, then kissed the back of his neck as he kneaded the flesh he held, then reached under Fei and gave his hard cock a gentle caress.

Fei shivered but not in fear, in a way that felt so good that he knew what he wanted in that moment. “I need you…” he panted. “I need it…” He felt it in that moment, as he raised his hips again, a slicked finger pushed inside him, an intense urge to bear down and force it from his body that he could not resist - and yet as he gave into that urge, that finger moved deeper within him and the pain lessened. Then something he had literally no reference for, except the moan he breathed out.

“Are you all right, Fei?” Citan’s voice seemed both amused and concerned at the same time.

“I think so, but what was that? I’ve never felt anything so good before and-“

“That is only the beginning. Do you want more?”

“Don’t tease me,” Fei snapped, in a voice not his own that shocked him as he couldn’t hold it back, couldn’t gain control and froze for a moment, afraid he would drift away again as he normally did when he heard  _ that _ .

“I do not intend to tease either of you,” Citan said, and dove into him with his fingers again, kissing his neck at that spot as he did, and Fei felt as if he had been thrown back into his body, as if the pleasure was so intense he didn’t want to miss it.

Then the source of that feeling was gone for a moment, and Fei huffed with disappointment. “What are you-“

“If I had kept on, you would have come in seconds. You need to calm down a little. You are right at the edge, Fei. I can tell…” Citan lay there next to him, embracing him from behind. ”I do not want it to be over for you too soon.” In that moment, he kissed his neck. “I know… I will do it like this.”

Fei grunted in pleasure and a slight bit of pain as he slid into him. Citan's cock was larger than those two thin fingers, and he felt that same need he had at the beginning, and gave in once more. “It feels like I need to…”

“Go with it, Fei… oh. Oh!” Citan held onto his body with both hands, his own fingers shaking. “I...ah, yes…so tight...”

“Haven’t had anything but a hand on yours in forever, either?” Fei teased. “Or am I just that good?”

“You are,” through gritted teeth and another loud groan as their bodies began to find their own rhythm of thrusts and touches and kisses and strokes. Fei moved so they could kiss, and to him, the feeling of kissing while he bore down on that hard cock within him felt so good he barely had words to describe it. The pressure against that spot within him that he could not provide for himself, that place that seemed to ache for more, the intense feeling that grew in little waves until he realized his toes were curling, he was crying out and it was building all to a point that he had usually long passed out before reaching, and yet it felt so good that he wanted to stay, had to stay, that he couldn't just give up having had too much. 

Citan, behind him, inside him, mumbling words that only meant something to him in a language Fei didn't understand, but something about it intrigued him - another mystery of his past, one he now yearned to find out. Yet Fei knew it wasn't words of anger but need, love, desire, except that he was so overwhelmed by his feelings, and he understood. That it felt good for Citan, but that feeling good overwhelmed him at this point.

Fei moaned in pleasure as he felt everything building to that peak he had been held back from by… by something. That something seemed to have stilled for now, though, and he felt more real, more  _ alive _ than he had to that point, as if he wasn’t just sitting and watching but was  _ there _ , feeling everything as that odd sensation of being filled and touched so lovingly at the same time, the sounds of their breaths and voices, the sight of looking behind him to see that person he loved at  _ his _ mercy because at any point he could end it all…

The moment itself was almost underwhelming at that - an intense, deep feeling of release that he had never felt before if only lasting for a few moments at first, then the same feeling  _ again _ , but this time so strong, so intense that his body began to shake from what felt like a power Fei barely comprehended, and screamed, his hands grabbing behind him to hold on to anything he could of this. His mind went absolutely blank in that moment, and he blinked open his eyes as Citan withdrew from his body and grabbed him in a tight hug.

“Mmm. Fei. My Anonelbe… to come inside your body...”

Fei didn’t understand the words, but he could feel the emotion behind them. He turned to him and looked into his eyes, that seemed almost awed at this point. “That… that was…”

“Everything I had hoped it would be.” Citan’s lips rested on his for a slow kiss. “Are you…”

“I’m fine…” Fei said. That was an understatement and he knew it - he felt satisfied, relieved, and… a new feeling that he could barely identify, that *he* loved these feelings, wanted to feel them, wanted to  _ live _ . Even if his memories were gone, he could make this, could make something from what he was. With him, with Elly, that he had so many people around him who cared about  _ him  _ and at least one who would do  _ this  _ for him…

Citan seemed lost in thought himself, and that was when Fei saw it. The wetness in his eyes, the tear streaks down his face. He had never seen Citan cry before that moment, not even at the destruction of their hometown…

He reached out and held him to himself once again. “We’ll make it tonight. Don’t worry. You know what you’re doing and by this point so do I.”

“That is not it. Fei… I am crying from happiness. I… I have not felt this in so long. It is rather embarrassing and…”

“The only person seeing it is me.” Fei reached for a pillow and smacked him with it. “Practice fight! You lost!”

Citan grabbed another of the pillows and threw it at him. “You would take advantage of my weakness?”

“I learned it from you!” Fei said, and smacked him with another pillow as they landed on Rico’s bed together once more. “Mmm. Will we have time to do it again before we go?”

“We have to be there in two hours. I think we have time for one more round. And there is something your body can do, that I want to show you…”

Fei snuggled against him as they lay there. “I want to know it. But I also want to know what makes you feel good…”

“You.” Another kiss. “To watch you, to see you explore yourself and reclaim what Miang took from you. To see you find even moments of happiness. And… well, I do quite like a hand inside me sometimes.”

“A  _ what _ ?” Fei stared at him in shock. “How does that even work!”

“You will see.” Citan licked his lips, and they formed that curious smile. “Though it might take you a while to work up to that, Fei.”

**Author's Note:**

> (if you don't already get it, Fei has multiple orgasms because of himself and Id both sharing the experience so to speak... at least in my stories. It's not like Id would just go away when he could get in on that action haha)
> 
> Real people don't shapeshift, and the great majority of people with DID or similar dissociative disorders are not violent. Here's links for real, researched info. Don't get your info on dissociation and DID from Xenogears, okay? :)
> 
> https://themighty.com/2017/10/how-to-help-dissociative-episode/
> 
> https://themighty.com/2016/10/what-dissociation-feels-like/
> 
> https://themighty.com/2016/06/self-care-tips-for-dissociation/
> 
> https://www.nami.org/learn-more/mental-health-conditions/dissociative-disorders
> 
> https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dissociative-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20355215
> 
> If you are a victim of abuse as a child in real life, you do not have to suffer in silence AND you do not have to rely on sex as a way to recover yourself! That was Fei's choice in this story, but it does not have to be yours - you live in a world with access to valid therapy and ways to tell your own real story rather than this awful attempt by myself, a non-survivor, to try to write a survivor trying to seek recovery in a world with no therapists in his own way. 
> 
> Start here: https://www.rainn.org/national-resources-sexual-assault-survivors-and-their-loved-ones and scroll down through the page.  
> https://www.nctsn.org/what-is-child-trauma/trauma-types/sexual-abuse also provides helpful information.  
> https://1in6.org/ because one in six men in real life (possibly more if you count trans men) have been victims of some form of sexual violence.  
> https://www.jimhopper.com/child-abuse/recovered-memories/ has a lot of info, and it is one of the pages I used in researching how I could write Fei here in a less insulting way than canon handles his obvious issues.
> 
> Also, if this story has inspired upset or rage in you in ANY way I am more than open to a) accepting your comments calling me out and b) making changes accordingly, if that would help or c) if it will not help, making no changes but taking your rage at my being out of my lane under consideration and I apologize in advance for doing so in writing a fictional character whose experiences do not personally match my own.
> 
> This story is part of the [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
>   * Short comments 
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * Constructive criticism unless it is about the couple/ship itself - I know what is and is not canon.
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
> 

> 
> [LLF Comment Builder](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/post/170952243543/now-presenting-the-llf-comment-builder-beta)  
> This author replies to comments, unless you do not wish for me to reply to you (for any reason!) - in which case, just sign your comment "whisper," and I will accept it and be grateful for it, but not reply to you or engage with you in return.
> 
> Any practice, act, or kink depicted in this story is not depicted for my own sake but for what I thought would fit the characters. It is a fictional story. Do not imitate or replicate any acts of violence, sex, or anything else depicted in this story. If you are under 18 years of age, close this page immediately, and if someone has shown it to you/directed you toward it, please be aware they are abusing you.


End file.
